A bigger mess?

Ahh, I don't exactly know how to start this off. It's been so long I've been in this state of confusion. I'm not sure if it is receding or am I just getting myself into a bigger mess.

To C,
I really am sorry for all I have caused you to go through. It may seem that I know
best in every situation based on all the advices and stuffs but you know like what?
Just heck it! As the proverbs go, "Its always easier said than done". I am just a
screw-up. I don't know what it really is, perhaps I am just using you to fulfill the yearns
of my heart? The emptiness within? I can't be sure of.

Well, I am happy to see you today though :) It's never about the rush or what. It just feels
so temporary. I have no idea. Laying all the other matters aside, I just wish we would remain
being good good friends under any circumstances. I know I have my own faults and blames to bear as I made empty words without really considering it. For that I'd apologize again.

Thinking about it, about how much I used to love you before. Whether it made sense or not,
I really did. And you chose to blew it off. I really don't mean to dig up the past but I really
meant it when I said there isn't going to be any turning backs. Sighs, I know maybe sometimes
I might be signifying something or more rather known as giving false hopes but yeah... I guess
we both have came to that agreement the other day. Even for several times and I hope you would be able to accept what I've proposed. I know I'm being selfish at times. Hmmm =/

And this is for J,
As much as I tend to fall back into the same old person I used to be, I yearn for change. Ahh, I know you've always told me to change for myself and that I could do better but I am not always as strong as I've always been. You are matured. In fact, a thousand times more matured than I am? One year time. Its always worth the wait for someone like you.

After my major breakup with my ex, I could barely breathe. Uh, okay its a lil' exaggerated but well, that's what expressing is all about isn't it? LOL. Okay getting back on track, I really wouldn't put up a serious relationship with any girl out there till I'm really ready for it. In short, the next girl I am going to be with is going to be real permanent and long-going.

As a random fact of myself, I've never really allowed love to grow by itself. Well, I am from a boys' school and yeah you know... it makes me tend to take things more quickly than boys from a mixed school? That's my self-concluded statement. Haha. Alright, and its like... you know, I find it really hilarious at times how I got to like you. You used to be this dumb, old fashioned and the most insensible girl on planet Earth to me. From how you would smack me for no proper reasons, shouted at me across the street that everyone could hear,

Fortunately, all of that has changed for goodness sake. and I wish things would go better as I get to know you :) I hope all that would be revealed as times flows is a bright future and I just felt that you were the type that I would want to be with.

And for me,
Whatever it is, I'd always put my studies at first place and that I would never neglect it. No matter what it is, I would strive and persevere to achieve my ambition as an engineer in the years to come. Also, as much as it puts me in a confusion, love is always second. What more in the context of boy-girl-relationship. I think I would wanna learn how to love my family and home beforehand. Love is always second and that it would always be.

Sometimes things could just go worse if you keep thinking about it. And also, at times there aren't going to be any solutions to certain problems. However, one thing I've always believed in.
Time cures and that time is able to sweep away the scars, resolve the confusions but nevertheless, carve meaningful memories in our memory.

Posted in: Mess